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Welcome to the fastest and most impossible-to-read edition of the news ticker.

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…Littlest Senator yet -W5N- Restaurant themed Bar opens inside Arcade themed Prison. A “hamburger” is a martini, a “quarter” is an ass pounder -W5N- 868 billion corpses found rotting behind dumpster in heaven -W5N- Italy caught totally making out with Denmark, Finnish on Sweden’s belly -W5N- Kooky Numbskull admits he is actually a Beloved Knucklehead -W5N- Rabbi balls deep in Torah to eat body puck out of band teacher’s backup patron’s tuchas -W5N- Thug Duke knighted and fighted -W5N- Test tube baby buried in test tube coffin -W5N- Beloved Knucklehead confesses he is actually frog rapist/cherished Nimrod Admitter -W5N- Disco Bubby sues Techno Nana in Jungle Caca Trance -W5N- Vaccine for “Salty Jowl Disorder” in form of Salted Jowl flavored hoagie -W5N- Micro-Biologist unveils pants -W5N- Freedom shoved up Lebanese Duck’s rump -W5N- Carrot wakes up with nipples for teeth…